A few years back a buddy of mine, I'm gonna call him Jacko, invited me to go to a concert that was in Columbus, OH. The Buckeye town. The only place in America where wolverines aren't protected. The only place in America that will get your ass stuffed into a dumpster only after having shit smeared all over your face for wearing blue and yellow. It's a great town, I'd recommend it to anyone. Especially the Spaghetti Warehouse, no, not the spaghetti factory! The factory is horse shit compared to the warehouse.
So Jacko proceeds to tell me that the show is a Jewish rapper named Matisyahu. I didn't know what the hell he said after Jewish rapper, I wasn't going to miss laughing my ass off for anything. Did I mention it's a 2 and a half hour drive to The Ohio State University? We finally get there only to find chains on the door and a sign stating the dude is sick and the show has been cancelled. Pissed off at anyone that considers himself a Jewish rapper we decide to make the best of it and find a bar.
We get a couple of drinks in when Jacko remembers he has some "friends" that goes to OSU. A few phone calls and 30 minutes later we start walking down the street. Jacko wasn't the smartest guy I knew, actually he was probably the dumbest guy I knew. He proceeds to tell me that we're going to this girl's house that he kinda knows but not really. I hear some bullshit stories about this girl during the 4 block walk to her apartment that was actually more like 10 blocks. Then the truth comes out as we're walking down the hallway to her door. He met this girl on Myspace. Fuck my life.
The door opens to the most frightening sight of my life. This girl had to be six and half feet tall and weighed close to 300 lbs. She was wearing a red shirt with a massive middle finger sticking out at us. I swore from that moment on to never drink liquor again. The crazy girl invites us in while she is holding a conversation on her cell phone. As she turns around, the back of her shirt says, "FUCK MICHIGAN." I look down at my crotch just to make sure I haven't pissed myself as she tells to have a seat and she has to finish this conversation real quick. She goes into a bedroom and slams the door. I look at Jacko and he's just laughing his ass off.
What made it worse was that we could hear her entire conversation. This crazy chick is going off about some dude that's cheated on her. Jacko is looking at the movies resting on her shelf in the living room while I'm trying to convince him we need to get the hell out of there now. The dumbass starts laughing and picks up her tv remote and shoves it in the damn cargo pocket of his khakis. Alright, we're leaving. Before we can make it to the door she walks out of her room crying. She then proceeds to tell us that she just found out her boyfriend from Virginia cheated on her and she had just kicked him out an hour before we got there. She had been talking with the girl he cheated on with. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?? Jacko pulls one of the best fake "I think I'm gonna puke" acts I've ever seen. He darts out the front door and you bet your ass I was right behind him.
The moral of this story? Don't trust Jewish rappers and don't go to The Ohio state, oh fuck it, don't go to the shitty ass town in the middle of Ohio.
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